WOW

I wonder what to write now. i mean..check all my posts..n they[re all depressing. n what the fuck.... i cant help it. If my life was a movie...i think it'd stink.... but if it was shot properly..it'd make it to the oscars. Ah... i dont know what i'm typing. Anyways..here i am, my head looks like a football - feels worse. i think i got two broken fingers in my left hand. n of course jaws broken n i think somethin's wrong in my left ear.

Yes. I got into another fight.

Third one in the last three weeks. 

In the past 48 hours, this is what i did

Scored weed

smoked weed

smoked more.....

got back

got into the car

got down

got fucked for over 3 hours

my first ride in the police car

bribed them

smoked 2 cigarettes

spent the night in Lock Up

saw dad in the morning

bribed them once again

got out.

NOw, i'm jobless, broke, no one who really cares apart from my family whom i treat so bad....

I wonder if things will get worse. 

They always do.

I feel like ODing on Heroin.

- Angeldust.

Everything somehow turns out to be an illusion. Everything breaks down to logical randomness....to Chaos theory.... to the fact that theres more to it than meets the eye. From the beginning of mankind....man has taken a lot for granted...for instance - Time. Oh yes... wit the quartz crystals n whole lotta other beautiful mechanisms merged together on one collage to give the count of time in seconds, minutes, hours, days, weeks, fortnights, months,years, decades n so on...Man took for granted the static nature of time n space.What if. Call me mentally demented or a guy who's watched too many sci-fi movies. But. What if Time as such was relative. What if the entire universe never existed...all those experiments n space research gone to waste. What if v're just another random experiment. The big bang theory states that there was a beginning...and if there wz a beginning, there has to be an end. No matter how much time it will take. it has to end. in that case...given a long enough timeline and an overview of it jez mite hit u that even as ur readin this, the universe is unstable. So, tell me how do u calculate the instability of the universe? Do u notice a similarity between the structure of a molecule and the solar system? Oh yes, they look very much alike. So what if i say, that for another bigger world out there, We are having life in a seemingly random molecule? Some how the instability in the universe alters the timeline for us. Or rather...let me put it this way....The time that takes for a bubble to form and burst is the life span of our entire universe. Crazy uh ?!! But wat if we were just another experiment for another race of evolved beings out there. Trying to create life. What if we were miniature simulations of experiments done in a lab somewhere in the realworld. Well, stupid questions like these keep rollin around in my head.... n i swear if i tell this to anyone, they'll throw me back into the rehab. Laterz.

The 5 mile walk.

I took off from home , plugged the music in my ear n started walkin aimlessly, letting destiny lead the way. As always, my mind never ceases to think.So, a lotta things came to my mind while on the way and I kept gettin deeper and deeper into the "FUCKED UP PHILOSOPIES" my mind could generate.

At 22 years of age, i stand alone been through almost all the shit life could throw at me. So, if u think ur life is fucked, you probably have to give it a second thought.But let me tell you, I made this choice. I took this path. So, trust me when i say I have had the best times ever, but at a heavy price which I do not regret.Thats the reason I don like to crib bout the shit in my life. Cuz well, SHIT HAPPENS. Deal with it.

Life is simple.

NOw isn't that a statement which puts all the neo-philosopers to shame...or maybe enrage them.But yes, thats wat i realised. So here goes my theory/philosophy.

The entire universe....our lives, loves, hates...everything is one freakin big illusion. I mean it wen i say illusion. Love is an illusion jes as good as hate is. In life, there are basically jez two things which exist. Want and Need. Our decisions,choices and the rest of the shit will all fit in either of the two catagories. Its all in the head. Wen you cut off the illusions built across every emotion, it only comes down to logic. But not everythin can be defined by logic.Right ?? Well, partly true. Unless I can come up wit logic for everythin, I'll have to accept the fact that not everythin can be logical. COming to the point, We are born in this system. A completely self sustaining system. Systems and system inside systems. Thats how it works. We coem into this world with a specific purpose. Everyone have to fulfil this purpose, cuz the system needs it. It will force it out of you no matter what you do. So, when you say life is full of shit, or at times when you feel you're beaten...its probably because you are strayin away from your Path. Everyone IS UNIQUE. And this is the basic theory behind it.

Now coming to the part where we all haev to deal with the shit, I just hope this will be of some help to whoever reads this. Let me tell you, wat I say now isnt goin to make ur life any easier.It will just make it simpler.

There are three things which you can never change. SO, acceptance is the only way. The three things are : People , Places and Circumstances. You see, we have a primal fear of the future when it comes down to these things. People are goin to remain the same until and unles they want to change. It happens from within. SO till then, they wont change no matter what. Places, obviously we cant change. And circumstances, we can try manipulation, but its just so much more simpler if we accept it. You see. Nothing goes waste. Everything Happens for a Purpose. And believe me when i say, it happens cuz its meant to happen. Which brings me to the next part of the philosophy.

Chaos theory. I guess most of you will have heard of it. But let me put it in lay man terms. Chaos theory says that a lot of things may appear random until they're seen from a much bigger perspective. Let me give u an example...a real life one. I met a guy named smiley in the rehab. Another Addict like me. It was his first visit to the rehab too. His parents had bought a pair of slippers for him when he was in the 9th grade and he never used it cuz well, he just dint like it. He had forgotten bout it for bout 5 years now.And well, he had to use it when he was in the rehab. So you see, the buying slippers when he dint want it was somethin random. It was against his wish too. But after 5 years, it is serving its purpose. As i said, everything happens for a specific purpose and at a specific time. And even though it appeared random, it is not. Thats chaos theory. There is no such thing as Random. There are no coincidences or Accidents. Its all a part of the sustainance of the system.

So, do not look back and regret the choices you've made or the decisions you've taken. It would have happened no other way. And the choice you made was the best one even though you might feel that you've missed out on somethin better.

Lotsa things still to say, but if this makes sense to anyone, just make use of it. I'll probably talk much more bout the walk later on...there'z still bout 4 miles to go .....

- AngelDust.

I close my eyes and it all comes back
in a blink, memories rush in from the past
distorted.perverted.my reality lies raped
by my conscience,i'm gagged, baffled,beaten and hate,
growz within me, ten folds with every thought
i dug my grave, but itz six feet short.

Sane . Insane . A raveged heart,
Drugged. Stoned. I'm worlds apart
See me now? or are u still blind
or do u just choose to be so kind?
Secrets. Closed behind the door
Spills again,on the tainted floor.

I'm done now with all my prayerz
The thin line, only grown grayer
Its time, i accept the reality i'm in
tired of playin this game i'm trapped within.
Will Angel's Dust, end this lore?
or is it going to be the Devil's Whore.

Another year comes to an end. wow. This is officially the worst year for me.yea..but no point cribbin...not like u wanna listen...n even if u do wanna...u cn only sympathize wit me...n trust me...pity is somethin that i don not need. This blog entry is jez to remind me sometime that 2007 wz a total fuck up.

Anyway...i've wanted to have a break ever since i got bak from the bloody rehab...but yea...the much required vacation seems a distant dream. I've been fuckin workin my ass off for over 40 dayz now...n i stil haven got one salary. i'm outta money..outta frenz...outta company ... and outta the will .. to celebrate new yearz. The only thing that prolly changes in my life tonite is the freakin date which wil hv to write wen i wake up in the mornin ... n get back to my work. Itz jez so freakin sad that...well..screw it too.

I kno wat i'l do tonite....

I'll drug myself as much as i can...n well...basically be lost in my own version of the " New year'z at Times Square, New York". Thatz somethin which i've alwayz dreamt of... every new yaerz. lol. It seemz like it'll jez remain a dream...

And for all u party animalz out there....i raise my middle finger n say... Fuck you. Jez cuz i'm a loner doezn mean i'm a loser.

Either way....itz jez another lousy day in my life... be it jan first or christmaz.

Hope this new year bringz you al the happiness u deserve...take care of urselves.N try not to die in an accident after the party.

-AngelDust.

Random memories pierce my soul
Ghosts from the past haunt my tomb
Sucked into my hollow grave
There i am, laid to shame.

I blame you, I blame you
for all my pain, i will get through
i let the hate within me grow
With Love,i'll get my vengence..... slow.

I'll hold you, I'll Kiss you,
I'll make love to you,
Behind the mirror,
is the hidden truth.

These eyes you fell in love with,
Once upon a time,
Will break you, Will shatter you
Into a million pieces,
Until you wish for the sun to rise

Let me show you the light,
Let me hold u one last time,
As I love you, i choose to be blind
I wither and grow in this pain,
Itz dawn now, I fall in love with you again.